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Should the Maple Leafs claim Raffi Torres? Here are better ideas

From Pension Puppets

Today on TSN1050’s evening drive, Brian Hayes said that the Maple Leafs should claim San Jose Sharks forward Raffi Torres off waivers, listen at the 28:00 mark here.

This is silly, he hasn’t played all season. Why claim a guy? Do they need some bodies? Yeah, especially after the sell off that’s expected at the trade deadline. Torres was suspended 41 games at the start of the season for interference and a head check in the preseason! He hasn’t played an NHL game since OCTOBER and the Leafs should claim him!?

I know they don’t want to interrupt the Marlies absolutely destroying the AHL, so let’s pretend they won’t do that, and really, why would you? Yeah some guys deserve it, but whats better? A championship run with an awesome team, or playing out the string in a done season?

So who’s left? Well, here’s a list of available players:

BJ Crombeen
Played last year with the Coyotes/Blues. 6 points in 53 games. Also not a scumbag who gets suspended for 41 games.

Erik Cole
Played last year with the Stars/Red Wings. 39 points in 68 games. Also not a scumbag who gets suspended for 41 games.

Olli Jokenin
Played last year for the Predators, Maple Leafs, and Blues. 10 points in 62 games. Former Maple Leafs! Also not a scumbag who gets suspended for 41 games.

Michael Ryder
Played last year for the Devils. 19 points in 47 games. Sadly a former Canadiens player, but also not a scumbag who gets suspended for 41 games.

Okay, okay, okay, there has to be some kind of defining trait that Torres could bring. Well, in the radio spot they said Torres is “Entertaining and a GTA kid.” By entertaining, I assume they mean he fights. Hmm….who else is a GTA kid who fights that description….hmmm…who?

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OH THATS RIGHT. RICH CLUNE. WHO THEY HAVE UNDER CONTRACT ALREADY.

“But they need him to protect the kids on the Marlies!” you shout.

Here are some more things that could do just as much good for the Maple Leafs as Raffi Torres:

A house plant.

That toaster that bested Randy.

Johnny Bower.

Bernie from Weekend at Bernies.

Vince Gill.

A creamy VELVEETA cheese fountain.

100 duck sized horses.

1 horse sized duck.

Those mannequins that they use in practice.

Me.

You.

That guy next to you on the bus, yeah even him.

Claiming Raffi Torres would be the something Randy & Dave would have done.

Don’t do what Randy & Dave would do.

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